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幸せというのは何？

家族の一員になること？

家族の一員になることを願っても、不可能だとおもっている。

だれにものせいではない。

Christmas markets

Somehow, I'm thinking of Christmas markets. 

When a couple breaks up, people will take sides... unfortunately.

もう少し抱いてください

I love this video, it says so much.
What I want is someone who is always willing to run with me.
Encouraging each other. Supporting each other.
If I should falter, to be there until I get back up again.
If I should go first, to continue running for us.

If you falter, I will be by your side.
If you fall, I will help you up.
If you surge ahead, I will do my best to catch up.

Different people have difference pace.
Are you willing to compromise and run together?

Change

Sometimes changes are forced upon you. Take it with a positive mindset. Sometime better might be waiting for you after the changes.

Falling

"Everyone deserves to be happy"

I'm falling fast

I hope this lasts
I'm falling hard for you
I say "let's take a chance"
Take it while we can

I know you feel it too

Pieces

Last night a friend asked me: "9 years, I wonder how long it will take for you to really move on?".
I could only say: "She has already moved on. She's with someone else now."
Someone who is able to pamper her in ways that I did not and cannot do.

I am trying my best to move on but it has not been easy.
There are still times where I wonder if I'm now defective:
Unwilling to love because I'm yearning for the past.
Fearing to commit because I'm scared of the future.
Scarred from the many failed attempts to find love again.
Unable to give my heart, because it's still lying in pieces.

I'm hoping someday, I will be able to love someone fully without holding back.

When you love someone 

Your heartbeat beats so loud 

When you love someone 

Your feet can't feel the ground 

When you love someone 

It comes back to you

Broken

I think I'm broken... Every time I get close to someone, I instinctively feel like I need to run away... To protect myself, to prevent myself from the possibility of getting hurt again.

Mejor solo que mal acompañado

I am someone who would prefer to be alone than to suffer bad company.
And for the right company, I will gladly put in the effort just to enjoy the companionship.

The past week was the best week for me in a long while. I think I might have finally came to terms with something that I have been struggling with for a long time

Saw this tongue in cheek quip about Scorpios today:

How many Scorpios does it take to screw a light bulb? 
One, but he still couldn't let go to unscrew the previous light bulb.

I guess I have been holding onto a light bulb that no longer works for me.
But I have also came to the understanding that it is possible to love more than one person at a time, just that the love is manifested differently for different people.
There is the love for my family, including the annoying young ones.
Love for friends, my twin and my brothers.
Then there is the love for someone who I grew up with, who I will always worry about.
And then there is the potential love for someone to grow old with.
And there is the love for myself, to learn to treat myself a little better.

Nine

9 is a magical number. In mandarin, 九sounds like 久.
But now 1 seems like a much longer number.

Dreaming

It's been a long while since I was awoken by a dream in the middle of the night.
However I could only remember one thing of the dream; I was driving across a cross junction when a car/truck/bus(?) crashed into my car from the side. And I remembered people trying to rescue me, but I already knew it was too late. As they finally release me from the car, I woke up.

The funniest thing, it wasn't a nightmare to me. I actually felt resigned, never once feeling fear, never once wondering why this happened to me. When I woke up, my heart wasn't racing, I wasn't thinking "luckily it was just a nightmare". At times I wonder if I'm actually already dead, going through the motion of life daily, no purpose, no aim, no goal. A living dead.

Messages

I accidentally opened the messages app on my mac today. This first thing I saw was "Thanks for taking the bus home dear" I hate this feeling of utter lost that never seems to go away no matter how hard I try.


 

Shoes

I just got a new pair of shoes, because the old pair was coming apart. It hurts. The new shoes doesn't fit half as well, even though it is my size. The old shoes feels so much more comfortable, fitting every curve of my feet perfectly. I really wish there was a way to get my old shoes repaired, so that I can keep wearing them until the day I no longer need to wear shoes. But I guess those shoes have run it's course. Each new pair of shoes will need breaking in, but in the meantime, my feet will ache, i will get blisters. On a separate note, I had to do something tonight which no longer has any meaning to me, the only reason I did it is because of someone, and my desperate attempt just to dream a little longer, wait a little longer. I don't see myself willing to ever to do it for anyone else again. I wonder if someone will come along to prove me wrong.

Feeling like an idiot

Even now when I hear that someone is not feeling well, I still worry  :(

Cycling

To learn, we have to fall. To move forward, we have to be willing to fall. I used to hope that someone will be there to help me stand after I fall. Now I have to stand on my own after every fall... Another night, another dream...

Etymology of Etymology

I believe this site should keep me entertained for a while...

ゆめ

I hate this. I dreamt of someone again, waking up only to find the pillow wet again. I wonder when this will end...

つよし

當我一想到從今以後不會再聽到你叫我「強」...

Now I understand why certain people are single. It's not because they don't want to find someone, it's that they found and lost the person and no one else ever touched their hearts again.

Japanese Spitz

When you said you wanted one too. I smiled. Then I counted to 10 and told myself that it meant nothing. At most I'll hope if we ever get them. They'll be playmates and buddies.

I'll name him Rebel...

失眠

結果還是好想你。

Weekends

Two friends are finally fulfilling their dreams of getting a place together.

I'm really happy for them, but seeing them planning together reminds me of my dreams with you. Something to work towards, something to keep me going through every crappy day at work.

No matter how much I distract myself every weekend, at the end when I realise that the weekend was without you, it always felt as something is missing.

But I understand it's my fault. I'll grow. I'll live my life. Maybe some day I'll be the one you want again.

如果我能重来，我永远不会放手。

Freedom

Blu: You see, who needs flying?

Jewel: Birds! Birds need flying. Flying is... err... freedom, and, and not having to rely on anyone. Don't you want that?

Blu: Hmm, I don't know. Sounds a little lonely.

On a side note: I kept thinking throughout the show, just having the last two birds mating will not save the species, this show does not have a very sound species conservation plan...

My dad

I've always thought that my Mom is one of the luckiest person in the world.
My Dad spoils my mum so much that even my grandma once told him that he shouldn't.
Otherwise my Mom will just not be a very good wife.

When my Mom needs to go grocery shopping, my Dad will drive her there even if it means waking up earlier. If she says she doesn't feel like cooking, he'll just bring us all out for dinner.
When she fell down and fractured her leg, he was the one who helped her wrap the cast up so that it doesn't get wet when she showers.

But I also know that she will be there to make sure he eats. To support him when he struggles to climb up the steps. To apply the medication for him where he is unable to reach.

Their marriage isn't perfect. *They have an imperfect me for a son... *
They have their fair share of arguments and my dad will grumble about my Mom sometimes. And my Mom will complain that my Dad grumbles too much.

But isn't that true of all relationship? No relationship is perfect, it is about two person working together, their strengths making up for the other's weaknesses.

There is no one perfect person, only the person you want to build a life together with, to grow together with.

They are always there to help my brother and sister when they are having troubles with their spouses.
A lot of times, I wish I could have told them about us, maybe if I had, they would have been able to help me see what I should have seen earlier.

Regrets. Something to learn from.
I have always known that I'm a difficult person to love. I grumble, I'm temperamental, I'm needy, I have a fickle heart.

There's a Japanese term that I came across recently, kintsukuroi:

I wonder if it is true for more than just pottery.

没那么简单

最近喜歡上了這首歌、看著MV，不知不覺視線變得模糊、想看也看不清楚了。

黄小琥: 没那么简单

作词：姚若龙
作曲：萧煌奇

没那么简单 就能找到 聊得来的伴
尤其是在 看过了那么多的背叛
总是不安 只好强悍
谁谋杀了我的浪漫

没那么简单 就能去爱 别的全不看
变得实际 也许好也许坏各一半
不爱孤单 一久也习惯
不用担心 谁也不用被谁管

感觉快乐就忙东忙西
感觉累了就放空自己
别人说的话 随便听一听 自己作决定
不想拥有太多情绪
一杯红酒配电影
在周末晚上 关上了手机 舒服窝在沙发里

相爱没有那么容易 每个人有他的脾气
过了爱作梦的年纪 轰轰烈烈不如平静
幸福没有那么容易 才会特别让人着迷
什么都不懂的年纪
曾经最掏心 所以最开心 曾经

没那么简单 就能去爱 别的全不看
变得实际 也许好也许坏各一半
不爱孤单 一久也习惯
不用担心 谁也不用被谁管

感觉快乐就忙东忙西
感觉累了就放空自己
别人说的话 随便听一听 自己作决定
不想拥有太多情绪
一杯红酒配电影
在周末晚上 关上了手机 舒服窝在沙发里

相爱没有那么容易 每个人有他的脾气
过了爱作梦的年纪 轰轰烈烈不如平静
幸福没有那么容易 才会特别让人着迷
什么都不懂的年纪
曾经最掏心 所以最开心 曾经

相爱没有那么容易 每个人有他的脾气
过了爱作梦的年纪 轰轰烈烈不如平静
幸福没有那么容易 才会特别让人着迷
什么都不懂的年纪
曾经最掏心 所以最开心 曾经
想念最伤心 但却最动心 的记忆

Wait

I asked a friend is it silly of me to wait?

He told me "Nope, but it's silly to hope."

Hoping and waiting are 2 different things.

Talking to him, I came to this conclusion:

If it's meant to be, it's meant to be.

Maybe I'm just a bit of a romantic.

Am I still hoping? Maybe, but I'm doing my best to extinguish that hope everyday.

Am I still going to wait if there's no hope?

I thought about the worst case scenario of this decision, and it doesn't look all that bad to me.

Dreaming

Dreamt a little last night,
what surprised me, is that I remembered,
For I rarely dream, and it's unusual for me to remember

Perhaps it was the cuteness that stuck,
or the scratch marks that were inflicted,
but I remembered.

A cute little kitten walked into my life,
I wanted so much to cuddle it and hold it close to me,
but I was afraid of getting scratched.

For even though I knew it loved me back,
I held back, fearing the day it might lost control
and scratch me without meaning to

I'm still surprised I remember this dream.
Perhaps it's telling me I'm still afraid.
Perhaps it's telling me to trust.
Perhaps it's just a dream about a kitten and scratches.

Parents

This morning, I woke up a little later than usual.
By the time I woke up, the little ones had gone for their swim, so only my parents were left in the house.
I walked into the living room to see my dad sitting on the couch, and my mum lying on his lap, sleeping. When I asked if mum was ok, dad simply said, "She woke up very early!".

Although it might not seem that way, but my parents are a big influence in the way that I view the world.
From them I learnt how religion is part of life and not a way of life.
I learnt that two very different person can have a life together, and that arguments are a part of any relationship.
I have learnt how a parent's love can supersede what others might think.
They have taught me that not saying "I love you" out loud doesn't mean that there is no love.
They have shown me what I want my future to be like. A simple life, with someone by my side, who will wake up too early on a Sunday morning, and spend the late morning lying on my lap, sleeping.

Family

My family will always be yours if you are willing regardless of what we become...

All in

Sometimes in life, there are moments when you just know you have to go all in.
Always loved the following song from RPM, so I thought I would share.

Sometimes...

... Telling yourself something over and over and over again is the only way that you might start believing in it. 

HIMYM

Watched the final episode.

Even if you had a great life with the love of your life with 2 kids, you will never forget the person you stole the blue french horn for.

Random stuff

You know you're a big nerd when you read about Gunkan Jima, Kola Superdeep Borehole and ALMA, and the first thought is "COOL!" and the second? "I wonder if that place is open to tourists..."

年輕時...

年輕時，聽歌只知道好聽，想也不想，簡簡單單的欣賞。
開始仔細聆聽後，才發覺好多首歌，都在唱出心裡的一切。

我懷念過去單純美好的小幸福　愛總是讓人哭　讓人覺得不滿足　天空很大卻看不清楚　好孤獨

Puppy tale (2)

The puppy sat on the beach alone, his thoughts began to turn towards home. But the poor puppy was lost, he didn't know how to get back home.

As the puppy sat there lost, a little boy approached the puppy. He coaxed and comforted the puppy, and the puppy being young and impressionable, began to forget and started to play. Glad that there was someone to play with him on this glorious sunny day.

But before long, the puppy started to feel that he wasn't really happy, no matter how much fun he was having, he missed his owner. He stopped and pull away from the little boy, and started looking for the bench where his owner always sat, washing the sand and salt from the puppy's coat after a day at the beach. The bench was empty. No one to welcome the puppy back with a big hug.

Dejected, the puppy crawled underneath the bench and waited, hoping that someday, his owner will find him, and forgive him for leaving...

Vow

Vow: a solemn promise, pledge or personal commitment.

A Decade

10 years ago,I said "yes". Without the required maturity, full of naivety, I never realized what would have resulted from that simple "yes". I never realized what it really meant to say "yes" back then, never really understood the courage that was required to say "yes". It just felt right at that time, no second thoughts, no hesitation.

Along the way, I got lost, uncertain, wondering if there was something else for me out there. In this one year, I learnt lots of things, experiencing good and bad things in my life, made new friends, but there was always something missing.

4422 days from that day, I have returned to the same decision. But this time, I know what I want, I know what I need to do. And that is to see you happy, with or without me.

君

再び、イアンとバーニスはうさぎさんのことを聞いてた。

会いたい。

ぼくも。

Sometimes the best thing...

... is to wish that you are happy.

Numb

Some days, I think my computer is the only thing I can rely on to blank out my brain...

Bear and Hare

Like the bear and the hare, you will get together with someone who is different from you.
During summer, everything will be fine, life will be good.
But once winter come around, that's when the differences will matter.

Can you be with someone who cannot be there when you need the person the most?
Can you be with someone who has a different way of coping with winter from you?
Are you willing to compromise, even if it means that you will suffer?

When I'm feeling really down, I will think that my chance at happiness has passed.
Because I couldn't settle down, because I wanted everything my way.
Because I wanted more...

When I'm feeling down, I really wished that I haven't made certain decisions in my life.
Hate to be the bear that always wants to hibernate when winter rolls around, keeping the hare from exploring the world, keeping the hare close to the den.

I guess in the end, bears are meant to hibernate alone...
And hares are meant to never stop moving...

Floating

Sometimes, I feel that I'm floating...

... anchor-less and adrift all by myself...

... in a great big world.

And I would start thinking...

... where am I headed now without you...

... in this great big world.

Or I could begin reminiscing...

... the good old days with you by my side...

... in our great big world.

But I should stop fantasizing...

... about hugging you once more, leaving you...

... to your own big world.

So I do stop dreaming...

... of what could have been, leaving us each...

... with our own big world

Courage

There are some people in my life that I could never understand.

They can give up everything, uproot their lives and move to where they think happiness is waiting for them.

And they can do it twice.

And even when it doesn't work out, they never give up hope, and strikes up a relationship with someone who lives half a world away.

Eventually they find happiness half a world away and I'm happy for them.

I never understood where they find the courage to do what they did. I can barely muster enough courage to tell someone that I like them. (And failing miserably at that.)

I hate how my heart wavers and begins to fall so easily at times.
I hate how you seem to be the one for me, yet there's something holding me back.
I hate how much of a coward I am.

I am so afraid of getting hurt, I am so afraid of taking the next step, I just want to retreat back into the comfort of the past.
But I guess that's no longer possible, the only thing to do is to face forward and march on.

2013

2013. A year like no other, the year where my live turned upside down.
A year where love seemed to be for others.

In the first hour of 2014, someone asked me, "Do you see a future with B?"
It got me thinking, what is the future? How far ahead am I supposed to think?

In my previous relationship, I always thought we would spend the rest of our lives together. Working together for things that are important to us. I thought we would grow old together.

When I'm asked this question, my only thought is "what future?" Nothing lasts. People change. People make mistakes. People move on.

Perhaps I'm just a bit wary of investing too much emotionally, never knowing when things will change.
Or perhaps I was just forcing myself to move on.

Future? Let's just see what will happen this year.

Perhaps I'm just a fool in the end, still stuck while going through a facsimile of living my life...

PS: on a happier note, I'm really glad to see both new couples forming, and couples finally working out their differences and of course those that have always been an inspiration to me from within my group of friends.

My resolution in 2014, to be myself, to no longer be a fool.