Flux

The world is in a state of flux. Things will change. Whether the change is for the better or worse is up to the individual to determine.

Without change, there will be no new experiences, no new challenges, no new loves.

An example would be the recent change of my Bangkok trip to Perth instead. I could have focused on the negative aspect of the trip, instead of focusing on my new experience.
I could have complained that I got terribly sun burnt, that we stayed in a hotel with sub standard service, that the shops in Perth close way too early, that we went for a boat ride in freezing weather without jackets, that I had to wake up super early just for gym!

But I view each and every single issue as a great experience.

Being sun burnt meant that we were lucky enough to have plenty of sunshine for the duration of our trip.

Substandard service standards? Got to see how my travel companions dealt with such standards, and learnt how to communicate with service staff that weren't fantastic.

Because shops closed so early, got a chance to know that my friend is actually a fantastic cook, also learnt that he sets high standards for himself in a lot of things.

Enjoying the experience of suffering the cold together, and how we promptly forgot how cold it was once the dolphins were spotted.

Waking up early for gym... well I got to go to the gym.

Without this last minute change in the destination, I would not have had a chance to
- Drive a Volkswagen Golf and learning that I love it
- Experience what it is like to drive close to 3 hours non-stop
- Explore the inside of a beautiful cave
- Learn that the iPhone flash works well as a light source for photos in caves
- Learn that I have arms long enough to make a selfie not look like a selfie
- Learn that Facetime now works on cellular network
- Know that I can wake up at 5am for a 6am RPM class and still survive a 5 hour flight home
- Know that my friends actually know me pretty well
- Know that I can be super lame with my friends
- Learn that someone gets super talkative once he gets high
- and that he is super angst-y when driving

Things change, we just have to manage the change and look for the enjoyable moments in each and every single change.

Still stuck...

Just When ...

... you think you've moved on, little things come back to remind you that you've barely moved an inch.

... you think things will no longer affect you, you find a little something and you begin to wonder.

... you think you've let go of the past, but the past comes back to haunt you

... you think you're ready for whatever might come, you still hurt when it happens

How long will it take? I wonder.

I am...

How do you know what your heart really wants?
Sometimes, you think you are moving on, but a simple question asked or an old photo can bring back all the regrets, all the pain, all the dreams that will no longer be dreamt together.
Yet at the same time, you know that you need to move on, to dream new dreams.

I'm afraid, of what I will be without you, I am who I am because of your indulgence, your love and your dreams for us. I'm afraid that I've lost our only chance at happiness due to my stupidity.

Perhaps it will be easier to just watch from the side. Experiencing happiness vicariously. To just imagine what could be.

Five and Ten

I think I might have surprised my colleagues with how comfortable I am with singing into a mic. They probably have no idea that I've been torturing people with my singing way too often recently.

Looks aren't everything

I think she's hot, smart and funny.
And I agree that it's all packaging, on the stage/runway, in front of the camera and with friends, the person you see might not be what the person is really like.

There is always a private side to someone, a side that they reserve for the privileged few or even none. Cherish the someone who is able to show you their other side.

Even if that side is broody and pensive.
Even if that side is talkative and whiny.
Even if that side is childish and wilful.

Cherish them because they are willing to let go of their public persona to show you their true selves.

I might be friendly and talkative in public. But privately, I love my silences, my books, my imagination and my alone time.

 

Procrastinating...

Sometimes, you realise the lost only after you lose it...

Blogging at 1am when I should be packing for an 8am flight. Definite sign of being a procrastinator.

Confessions of sop-a-holic.

There are always times where my mum will surprise me. Before I left the house in the morning, I confirmed that I would be having dinner at home. She immediately asked me what I wanted to eat. Small gesture, but it made my day slightly brighter. And the best thing is that when I said what I wanted, it was something she was already planning to prepare tonight.

Surprisingly chill day today. Hung out with my other "Mommy" at a new cafe in the west. Enjoyed ourselves tremendously and spent time learning new terms! Really looking forward to the trip next weekend. It should be fun.

TV served up Confessions of a Shop-a-holic after dinner. And i watched it. And I realised I'm a big sucker for soppy love stories with happy ending. I wonder if that is why I've always liked big romantic gestures, and in a relationship after a while, things tends towards stagnation.

I always worry if we try again and things don't work out, where will that leave us?
Should we just try?

Weekends

6 degrees of separation 

Weekends, something that everyone should logically look forward to.
Something that I planned didn't happen, but I guessed things should not be forced. While disappointed, I'm relieved as well. What if I realized that we have actually diverged so far, there is no way to converge again? 

Maybe it might be better to be parallel to one another, close to each other even if we never touch. At least we will never grow too far apart.

On a less self-pitying note, caught up with a group of crazy people over the weekend! Didn't realize how out of touch I am with them. :( I'm glad they still think of me as a friend.

And I finally realized that being a GXI (even part-time) makes you a more confident and vocal person and much more willing to do crazy things from time to time.

Random Thoughts

Things happen.
Talking to an old friend reminded me of you. Dreamt of you that night, and I remembered it. Let's just say it involved a ring and better times.

Listening to a song in the gym and when I finally paid attention to the lyrics, it seems to be perfect as our song, only diffence is that we really did those things as opposed to sitting at home. But there is no more "us".

When people ask, I'll say "I'm doing fine, I'm moving on", because I was the one who wanted out, could I be anything but ok? Seeing you coming back to life on Facebook and Instagram made me smile just a little. You who enjoyed social media so much but stayed away for so long worried me just a little. And no, I'm not stalking you on social media. I guess I just want to say thank you regardless of what happens from now on.