Pieces

Last night a friend asked me: "9 years, I wonder how long it will take for you to really move on?".
I could only say: "She has already moved on. She's with someone else now."
Someone who is able to pamper her in ways that I did not and cannot do.

I am trying my best to move on but it has not been easy.
There are still times where I wonder if I'm now defective:
Unwilling to love because I'm yearning for the past.
Fearing to commit because I'm scared of the future.
Scarred from the many failed attempts to find love again.
Unable to give my heart, because it's still lying in pieces.

I'm hoping someday, I will be able to love someone fully without holding back.

When you love someone 

Your heartbeat beats so loud 

When you love someone 

Your feet can't feel the ground 

When you love someone 

It comes back to you

Broken

I think I'm broken... Every time I get close to someone, I instinctively feel like I need to run away... To protect myself, to prevent myself from the possibility of getting hurt again.

Mejor solo que mal acompañado

I am someone who would prefer to be alone than to suffer bad company.
And for the right company, I will gladly put in the effort just to enjoy the companionship.

The past week was the best week for me in a long while. I think I might have finally came to terms with something that I have been struggling with for a long time

Saw this tongue in cheek quip about Scorpios today:

How many Scorpios does it take to screw a light bulb? 
One, but he still couldn't let go to unscrew the previous light bulb.

I guess I have been holding onto a light bulb that no longer works for me.
But I have also came to the understanding that it is possible to love more than one person at a time, just that the love is manifested differently for different people.
There is the love for my family, including the annoying young ones.
Love for friends, my twin and my brothers.
Then there is the love for someone who I grew up with, who I will always worry about.
And then there is the potential love for someone to grow old with.
And there is the love for myself, to learn to treat myself a little better.

Nine

9 is a magical number. In mandarin, 九sounds like 久.
But now 1 seems like a much longer number.

Dreaming

It's been a long while since I was awoken by a dream in the middle of the night.
However I could only remember one thing of the dream; I was driving across a cross junction when a car/truck/bus(?) crashed into my car from the side. And I remembered people trying to rescue me, but I already knew it was too late. As they finally release me from the car, I woke up.

The funniest thing, it wasn't a nightmare to me. I actually felt resigned, never once feeling fear, never once wondering why this happened to me. When I woke up, my heart wasn't racing, I wasn't thinking "luckily it was just a nightmare". At times I wonder if I'm actually already dead, going through the motion of life daily, no purpose, no aim, no goal. A living dead.

Messages

I accidentally opened the messages app on my mac today. This first thing I saw was "Thanks for taking the bus home dear" I hate this feeling of utter lost that never seems to go away no matter how hard I try.


 

Shoes

I just got a new pair of shoes, because the old pair was coming apart. It hurts. The new shoes doesn't fit half as well, even though it is my size. The old shoes feels so much more comfortable, fitting every curve of my feet perfectly. I really wish there was a way to get my old shoes repaired, so that I can keep wearing them until the day I no longer need to wear shoes. But I guess those shoes have run it's course. Each new pair of shoes will need breaking in, but in the meantime, my feet will ache, i will get blisters. On a separate note, I had to do something tonight which no longer has any meaning to me, the only reason I did it is because of someone, and my desperate attempt just to dream a little longer, wait a little longer. I don't see myself willing to ever to do it for anyone else again. I wonder if someone will come along to prove me wrong.

Feeling like an idiot

Even now when I hear that someone is not feeling well, I still worry  :(